Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Why Would A Man Swear To Love You But Then Not Want To Commit?

I often hear from women who don't know if they are hearing the truth. Often, they've put some time into their current relationship but their boyfriend just won't take that next step toward a commitment. Often, these women are very clear about the love for this man. There is no doubt in their mind that he is the man for them. But, they have their doubts that he feels the same way because, although his words are saying that he loves them, his actions (or lack of actions) is saying something else.

I heard from a young woman who said: "My boyfriend and I have been exclusive for eight months. We get a long very well. We have great chemistry. He is sweet and loving to me. But when I even bring up a commitment, he cuts me off. He stops me in my tracks and tells me that although he loves me, he isn't ready to commit. I usually start to cry at this point and he tells me that he really and truly does love me. But my friends say that I am a sucker to believe this. They say if a man really loves me enough, then he would freely want to commit. They say when a man gives you the 'I'm not ready to commit' line this means that he really doesn't love you in the right way." I'll tell you my take on this in the following article.

I disagree with the friends on this one. I will admit that some men perpetrate these sort of beliefs because there are men out there who will say they aren't ready to commit to keep from telling a woman that they really aren't in love with her. But, this did not seem to be the case here. This boyfriend was very involved in the relationship. He was kind, sweet, and loving. He was just reluctant to commit.

Why Commitment And Love Don't Always Go Hand In Hand. Why It's Possible That He Is Telling The Truth: I firmly believe that men can passionately and desperately love a woman and still be reluctant to commit to her. Often, it is their head that is contributing to their lack of commitment, not their heart. In fact, often their heart is telling them one thing while their head (or their friends) is telling them another.

Men often get societal cues that tell them that desirable men don't really need to settle down. Or that men who settle down may as well sign onto a life of quiet desperation with an old ball and chain. This is absolutely ridiculous of course, but the cues are there. Sometimes a man is made to believe that no matter how wonderful his girlfriend is, the second he marries her, his life will suddenly become boring or he will only get run of the mill sex on a very sporadic basis. You know this isn't true. And he often knows (at least somewhere deep down) that this isn't true. But the cues are often strong enough to make him hesitate when he thinks about commitment. He hesitates, but he really doesn't want to break things off because he is telling you the truth when he says that he DOES love you.

So, If You Believe He Loves You, But You Want A Commitment, What Do You Do?: Women often ask me if they should give up on a man who won't commit. If you love him and you know that he is the man for you, why on earth would you give up? Especially if you haven't yet tried different things to improve you situation.

Now, when I say "tried things," I don't mean giving ultimatums or making threats. I'm not even talking about trying to make him jealous or hinting that you might just get tired of waiting. I'm talking about working through this like mature adults who are in love and who should be together once they get over a tiny little obstacle. If you take nothing else from this article, please remember not to play games and not to try to manipulate the man you love. This may work just a touch for a slight while, but it never lasts and he will resent you for it.

You want a healthy marriage, right? You don't want to have to continue to manipulate him to make him happy about marrying you. Instead, you want him all in because that's exactly where he wants to be. So no, I don't think you should give up. Instead, I think you should begin looking for clues as to why he is hesitant and actually dealing with the core issues rather than tap dancing around them and trying to manipulate him. Because it is very probable that he does love you, but in order for him to commit, you must remove his doubts.

As you can hopefully tell, I do think he could be telling the truth about loving you but not being ready to commit.  The key is to set it up so that he becomes ready on bis own authentic time but is also very excited about committing.

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